Recently, I taught on communication for the 3rd time at a men’s meeting.
- Since problems will come in the home, let us try to solve them as Christians.
- How does a Christian solve problems in the home?
Before the Problem: 7 exercises before there is a problem
- Prepare yourself for conflict before they come. Pro. 22:3
Remember that problems will come. Matt. 18:7Humans change constantly. She will change, and so will you.When a problem comes, some people try to escape the problem. (Sande, 22)
Escape #1: Denying the problem
Escape #2: Avoiding any discussion of it
Escape #3: Even suicide.
When a problem comes, some people attack. (Sande, 22)
Attack #1: Accusing (often irrelevantly)
Attack #2: Interrupting
Attack #3: Shouting or assault - Invest time in consistent communication with your wife and children. 1 Pet. 3:7; Eph. 6:4
By talking together often you will learn about each other so that your friendship will grow with your understanding. Spend time both in listening and talking. Some men listen, but don’t talk. Some go on and on without stopping. - Cultivate godliness and the fruit of the Spirit so that problems are prevented or reduced greatly. Eph. 4:22-24
Call yourself what Scripture calls believers—unprofitable servant. Luke 17:10
A heart that knows its own sin will not be easily angered at the sins of others.
If you have given over your will and life to be hidden in Christ, then how can you ever be angry if you are treated like a servant? - Maintain an open, honest, transparent habit with your wife and children. Eph. 4:25
Don’t hide things. Don’t use words to get what you want.
“You can use words to manipulate the world into delivering what you want. … This is spin. … It’s the speech people engage in when they attempt to influence and manipulate others. … It’s what everyone does when they want something, and decide to falsify themselves to please and flatter.” (Peterson, 209) - Apologize whenever you are shown to be in the wrong. Pro. 28:13
If you can do this quickly about matters that are not tense, it will serve as a good habit for tense times.
Also, it will set a good example of immediate apologies. If you cannot think of several times that you have apologized to your family, then maybe you are stubborn. Does your family think you are quick to apologize? - Laugh often with your family. Ecc. 9:9
Humans need laughter—no animal can laugh. Laughter binds us together. It teaches children the right way to respond to matters in life.
Evil men laugh at sin, and their children follow their example. Fathers should lead their family in happiness as in all other virtues.
It is much easier to resolve conflict with people who are commonly happy, even if they are unhappy at this moment. - Remember what you will lose if your lose your home.
You will feel like a failure for many years, maybe your entire life.
You will be tempted with anger, fornication, gossip, and doubting God.
You will lose the happiness of a loving home—one of the greatest happinesses God gives to men outside Heaven.
You will lose chances to serve the church as a pastor or leader. 1 Tim. 3:4-5
During the problem: 12 ways to handle problems
- Hold your tongue without interrupting. Matt. 7:12
Sometimes with friends, it is good to interrupt in conversation. But when someone is upset, interruptions say, “I don’t care about you.” - Control your facial expressions. Pro. 15:30
Communication is much more than words. Eyes, face, body, shoulders, and tone speak very clearly. - Refuse to answer anger with anger. Rom. 12:17, 18, 21
- Stand firm on truth without apologizing for things that offended sinners. Pro. 24:24; 28:4
- Apologize for being rude, harsh, impatient, angry, or irrational. Pro. 16:18-19
- Ask her questions to hear her side and let her finish her answers. Pro. 18:13; 20:5
- Isolate the problem from all the words that were spoken.
Christian listening finds the main point out of many words.
Heb. 8:1; John 8:43; Pro. 1:2-6 - Sympathize with your wife or child. Rom. 12:10, 15
“Put on her shoes.” Try to look at life the way she is looking at it.
Tell her what she is feeling, and then ask, “Did I understand you?” - Resolve her concerns first. Phil. 2:3-4
- Overlook minor frustrations, mistakes, and foolishness. Col. 3:13
- Compromise things that are important to you for the sake of love and peace. Rom. 12:18
- Allow her to change without calling attention to her change. Matt. 11:29-30
After the problem: 8 ideas for restoring the relationship
- Reflect on your errors, not on hers. 1 John 1:8-10
- Make a list of all the kindness and grace that God has shown to you. Eph. 4:32
- Make a list of all the kindness and love your wife has shown to you. Philemon 1:6
- Choose to pass over small matters even if she did not repent. Eph. 4:2
- Place this problem in the context of eternity in order to see if there is any real substance to this issue. Col. 3:1-4
Most problems arise within normal conversations or over small disagreements.
“Why can’t you just close the window?”
“Do you have to be so loud when you get up?”
“I did not drink the milk.” - Apologize for not overlooking if you discover that the matter was actually petty. Matt. 3:6
Many times, we are overcome with small things, we are too sensitive. John 21:19-21
To be overcome by something small is very weak—it is not manly or strong. Pro. 24:10 - Consider whether your speech fits smoothly with a Christian attitude. Rom. 14:16
Often our manner offends, when our matter did not. You may win your opponent to be your friend if you show that you have enough wisdom to see that your position was right, but your tone was wrong. - Serve your wife the way Christ served the disciples. John 21:9-13; Eph. 5:25
