How to Speak, How to Listen

In the home, communication is a vital skill. We all do it, but few are excellent; few try to study or improve themselves in speaking and listening. Since men are the leaders, they must be skilled in speaking and listening in the home.

Why must men talk at home? 4 Reasons Men Must Talk at Home

1. They must lead their families to Christ (Eph. 5:26; 6:4).
2. They must answer questions for their wives (1 Cor. 14:34-35).
3. They must live happily with their families (Ecc. 9:9; Pro. 17:22).
4. They must solve problems with their wives, children, and relatives (Matt. 5:9). 

• None of these 4 things can be done without talking.

Why is talking hard? 2 Reasons Talking is Hard

1. Talking is a performance.

When a word comes out of the mouth, it cannot be changed. Men very easily make mistakes in performances, especially when they have not practiced. For this reason David said: “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.” Psalm 141:3 And the brother of our Lord said, “If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, … the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity … no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.” James 3:2, 6, 8

2. Talking is stressful.

If you say the wrong thing, you might have a big problem. We can ruin our lives with our foolish words, or we can make great things happen with our wise words. This was Solomon’s meaning in Proverbs 18:21, Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. Further, we are forced to perform this stressful task every single day. Thus, many men are quiet because it is a stressful performance.

How do you know if you are talking too much? 10 Tests for Too Much Talk

1. Are you over-confident so that you talk about things you know nothing about?
2. Do you give too much information when asked a simple question?
3. Do you talk about things that have nothing to do with the topic?
4. Do you gossip?
5. Do you like talking about yourself?
6. Do you nit-pick so that you always have to correct the detail of other people’s stories?
7. Do you interrupt people?
8. Do you take over the conversation?
9. Do you finish other people’s sentences and stories for them?
10. Do you always want to give advice to everyone you talk to?

How do you know if you are not talking enough? 9 Tests for Too Much Silence

• You are sinfully quiet if you are not speaking when the Bible commands you to speak.

1. Bringing the lost to salvation—your family, neighbors, visitors at church (Jude 23)
2. Leading your wife into truth and godliness (Eph. 5:26)
3. Encouragement of other Christians (Heb. 10:24)
4. Saying what God has done for your soul—giving your testimony (Ps. 66:16; 107:2)
5. Praying at church or home (1 Thess. 5:17)
6. Standing for truth when sinners speak foolishly (2 Tim. 2:25)
7. Singing and praising God (Co. 3:16)
8. Confessing your sin (James 5:16)
9. Asking questions (Titus 2:6-8)

How can I talk well with my wife? 5 Ways to Talk Like a Christian Husband

1. Don’t speak before you understand.

He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him. Pro. 18:13 You don’t want others to speak to you before they understand (Matt. 7:12). In the book of Esther the king gave Haman permission to kill the Jews (3:10), but then he changes his mind (8:5). King Darius signed a law foolishly. Then he changed his mind (Dan. 6:9, 14).

2. Ask good questions.

Even though He was the Son of God, Jesus Christ heard the leaders of the synagogue and asked them questions (Luke 2:46). A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, But a man of understanding draws it out (Proverbs 20:5). Live with your wives in an understanding way… (1 Peter 3:7).

3. Speak kindly with love and energy.

Smile, laugh, wait your turn, agree with your wife, look at her when she speaks.

Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Romans 12:10-11 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord;

Romans 12:14-15 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

Romans 15:2 Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification.

4. Control your passions.

Isn’t it hard to answer gently when someone starts a fire? What is harder to control than our passions? Once they have been aroused, it is like stopping a house fire. “There is no ruling the tongue if you cannot rule the passions.” Richrd Baxter

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 14:17 A quick-tempered man acts foolishly.

Proverbs 29:22 An angry man stirs up strife, And a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression.

Proverbs 22:24-25 Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself.

5. Educate yourself; Improve yourself; Raise yourself.

Proverbs 1:5-7 A wise man will hear and increase in learning, And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel, To understand a proverb and a figure, The words of the wise and their riddles. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Proverbs 18:2 A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his own mind.

Why must men listen at home? 3 Reasons Men Must Listen at Home

1. Listening is love to your wife (Eph. 5:25, 28, 33). Your wife will know that you love her if you listen to her. Listening gives the microphone to my wife or child. It puts her first, and me second.
2. Listening opens your children’s hearts (Mal. 4:6; Eph. 6:4).
3. Listening will reveal to you your own problems that you cannot see (Job 34:32).

How do you know if you are listening badly? 8 Tests of Bad Listening

• Being quiet is not listening. Many men are quiet, but they are still bad listeners.

1. Do you give no answer and just keep quiet?
2. Do you answer on a different topic without speaking to her problem?
3. Do you think of a problem with her while your wife is speaking?
4. Do you follow the rule to understand your wife before you judge your wife?
5. Do you interrupt your wife?
6. Do you show anger on your face while she is talking?
7. Do you walk away when she wants to talk?
8. Do you laugh when she is not laughing?

How can I listen well to my wife? 4 Ways to Listen Well

1. Let her go first.
2. Restate her problem so that she knows you understand her.
3. Agree with anything that you can agree with.
4. Tell her the things that you can change from what she has said.

Conclusion

In the book, Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg shows that the best communicator is first and foremost, kind. He cares very much about the listeners and their thoughts and conditions. Because of this perspective of his heart, he speaks, questions, laughs, and listens in a way that draws in others and promotes their interest in the subject. A supercommunicator simply speaks and listens with the fruit of the Spirit.