A godly man confesses and forsakes his sin, especially when in the home where he has the highest obligations to stand as a representative of the One who washed the feet of His bride, held His tongue for His bride, prays constantly for His bride, and like Hosea remains faithful to His commitment even when she is unfaithful.
3 Scenarios Where a Man Should Apologize to His Wife
Though it is not easy to apologize, men must do many hard things. Perhaps this is the hardest.
- Obvious sin: A man should apologize when he has spoken or acted crudely, cruelly, or selfishly to his wife.
- Kindness: A man should apologize when he lacked the kindness or humility he should have had before the particular situation began.
- Habit: A man should apologize when he has preserved a habit that he knows is tempting to his wife.
3 Wrong Scenarios for Apologizing
But some situations might tempt a man to apologize so that his wife will just calm down and go back to life as normal. I recently saw a video urging men not to apologize to their wives, and I think the pastors were referring to scenarios in the following three categories.
- Manipulation: A man should not apologize to his wife to get something from her other than the answer of a good conscience.
- Release: A man should not apologize to his wife simply to get out of the situation though his wife was the one who did wrong.
- Self-righteousness: A man should not apologize to his wife to prove to himself that he is superior and store up for later use a deposit of virtue.
3 Ways to Speak Humbly When you Can’t Apologize
When there is tension with your wife, but you don’t see your sin, you have the duty to speak humbly to her. Regarding the great truths of our faith, we ought to be unshakably certain, but about our own actions, we should be appropriately uncertain.
Who can perfectly know or remember all his motives, facial expressions, and omissions from the past 2 weeks? How can you be so certain that you were walking in the Spirit, and she was not? Are you completely free from self-deception? Can you go into the inner springs of your heart and justify all the complex coils of your soul? Though you are not yet glorified, can you be so sure that there was not the taint of the flesh in your voice?
The Apostle Paul could not: “In fact, I do not examine myself. For I am conscious of nothing against myself, yet I am not by this acquitted; but the one who examines me is the Lord.”
- Blindspots: A man should tell his wife that he will pray that God will show him what he does not see. Job 34:32
- Remaining corruption: A man should confess to his wife that he does see that he is a sinner and has a propensity to sin even if he does not see any guilt at this time. Rom. 7:14ff
- Moving forward: A man should ask his wife how she would like him to pray or for what she would like him to examine himself or what verse of Scripture he can meditate on. Matt. 7:12
Perhaps your wife did not say things well when she spoke to you. I heard in seminary that a certain author (Alvin Plantinga, if you care, though I still haven’t read him) was so formidable in his arguments because he always began his work by restating his opponents’ positions better than they had in their own writings. That sounds kind to me.
Men must take the lead in making peace. Men should love their wives by taking their concerns seriously. Men should be kind by squeezing their large feet into their wives’ tiny shoes. Men should model their Savior’s humility. Men should not expect their wives to take the first step in something so heavy and difficult as digging down deep and getting so low. But at the same time, we must not take the “easy way out”—if it is that—by lying through an apology so that we get her to stop talking or win the argument. We cannot follow Jesus in apologizing because He never did. But as long as we are in the flesh, we can go lower because He is low in heart.
